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Catherine Deux-Nerve from Effingham Junction writes
"Dear Dr Lurve, My hair is dweadfully dull as and lanky, and so vewy badly in need of a trim. Could you possibly fit me in for a quick one in the beer garden"
Dr Lurve says,
Dear Catherine, I was so pleased to hear from you as I have spent many years of my life in Fetchingham, Bookingham and Ethchingham. I particularly enjoyed Effingham the most. You are either a very little girl or a very bigger one with a speech impediment, but sound very sweet. I was very sorry to hear about your hair problems. So sad. I could recommend you to one of my colleagues in Surrey, but I should take you in hand myself. Are you able to travel to Malborough and are you at the age on consent? I will personally sort out your problems and give you a quick one at The Royal Oak in the beer garden. Or you can have a a longer one somewhere warmer and more comfortable Yours I hope Dr Lurve
Yealongue from Malbaria writes
"Dear Dr. Lurve, I have just unearthed the onion seeds which I got for this years onion competition which I had lost while my house was being fumigated. I feel so cheated as they definitely would have won one or more of the awards at the onion judging this year. Do you think I should put in an appeal for the competition to be judged again in the light of my find, or do you think I would be wasting my time?"
Dr Lurve says,
Dear Yealongue,
it is difficult for me to know whether you are a girl or a bloke but you are obviously a bit of a whinger who has not lived in our country for very long. Otherwise you would have known that personal hygiene (please not, hygiene is NOT agreeting) is of great importance to our culture.
On your arrival in England, had you have use the Gob Beldof Go&Wash body hair and home products you wopuld not have had your infestation in the first place and your onion seeds would not have been mislaid.
There is now no point in appealing in this matter as the judges take this competition very seriously. However I am sure that if you reveal your ethnic gender and attend the Royal Oaks Friday night Frenxy, buy the judges and growers a drink or three, they may just consider your entry in next years competition.
Fanny Adams from Chard, Somerset writes
"Dear Dr Lurve
Please help me. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and although we are happy I think I have fallen in love with my female hairdresser. Her hair is so shiny compared to my boyfriend's. I keep making hair cut appointments just to be near her. When she washes my hair I feel so exited that my nipples stick out! I even had a fringe cut so that she has to put her face right up close to mine when she trims it! I can't go on like this. My hair is now so short, soon I won't have any left and then how will I make excuses to see her. I know I should forget about her but it's so hard as I fantasize about her all the time. What do you think I should do?"
Dr Lurve says,
What I suggest you do is introduce your boyfriend to your hairdresser. If they get on, the airline Hairoflop are doing special 3 day away breaks to the island of Lesbos. 3 nights one room, one bed at a give away price, then you can decide who you prefer.
If this does not help I can put you in touch with a wonderful wig maker.
Mel from Malborough writes
"Dr Lurve,
Please help me find the man of my dreams."
Dr Lurve says,
I think you should spend a weekend with me and I'll show you the way and make your hair stand on end.
Warren from East End writes
"Dear Dr Lurve,
what can you do about my shiny top..."
Dr Lurve says,
As I said to David McCallum once, "it's your round"
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